7 Things to Know if Your Friends or Family are Adopting an Infant
7 Things to Know if Your Friends or Family are Adopting and Infant
Advice for supporting your loved ones in their adoption journey.
We are Adopting! For many, sharing the information with their loved ones that they have decided to grow their family through adoption is difficult to do. Most people do not know much about adoption nor do they understand the complexities of adoption and how to respond. Adoption has changed significantly over the past few decades. That is why we wanted to develop a resource to give friends and family of adoptive families we are working with some insight into adoption and how to support hopeful adoptive parents. This will also help strengthen the adoption competence of the family and community the child is adopted into.
#1. How you say it matters!
It’s important to explore what your personal views are on adoption. It’s normal for loved ones to experience a sense of loss when they learn about the adoption. The loss of adding biological children to the family, or the fear of the unknown, the impact on the family or community dynamic… you may have some concerns. It’s OK to feel that way but important to seek clarification and education prior to sharing with the adoptive family or responding.
“Adoption is not giving up a baby. In adoption, a birth parent chooses to make an adoption plan for their child. Birth parents love their children, they do not discard of or give them away, they thoughtfully and lovingly make a plan for their child because they want what is best for him or her. They make a plan. They place for adoption. They do not give up. ”
#2. They will be protective of their adoption story
Sharing the decision to grow their family through adoption should come from the adoptive family directly. Avoid discussing this with others until they decide to share it themselves. The adoptive family will have learned the importance of protecting their child’s adoption story, as it belongs to the child and will be up to them if he or she decides to share it. We would never want a child to hear information about their adoption story from someone other than their parents. For this reason, the adoptive family may not share much information about a potential match or birth family not because they do not trust you but because they are respecting their child’s adoption story. Privacy should not be confused with shame. It is important to know when adoptive parents protect their child’s story, it is not because they are ashamed of their child’s origin, birth family or adoption in general. Their child will be raised to know and understand their adoption story in developmentally appropriate ways.
#3. There are Labor Pains in Adoption
Adopting is a long, and at times, exhausting process. For a family to adopt, they need to complete an extensive home study which involves ongoing interviews, training, backgrounds and medical checks, home visits, reference checks, etc. Once the home study is completed, they could be waiting a long time to be matched with a birth parent or child. For some, they are able to meet the birth family prior to the delivery, for others, they may go directly to the hospital with no prior knowledge that they would be matched. There is a risk of an adoption falling through and the adoptive family will be aware of those risks. Be prepared to support them if they decide to share with you that a match fell through. Ultimately, this is not a failed adoption, as an adoption did not occur, it is a failed match. Extensive preparation, loss of control, waiting, failed matches and uncertainty: these are all labor pains of adoption.
Sadly, for many adoptive families, their experiences as they prepare to add a child to their family can feel isolating and vastly different from the experiences of friends and family who bring a child into the family biologically. We want to encourage you to be positive and encouraging during this time of preparation and anticipation. Here are some ways you can support them:
Take initiative to learn more about adoption in general and ask questions
Help them set up a baby registry online that can be shared quickly when needed (don’t forget the baby carrier!)
Offer to pray with them or for them (click here to access St. Joseph Adoption Novena) and for their future child’s birth family
Set up a meal train once the baby arrives and find other ways to help so that the parents can focus 100% on building attachment with their adopted child
#4. Have Respect for the Birth Family
First, always remember that in order for an adoption to occur, there must be a crisis. The realization that you cannot parent your child or provide the life for your child that they deserve is not a decision made lightly. Birth parents will fluctuate in their decision throughout the pregnancy and adoption process and that is OK. It is important for family and friends of the adoptive family have a basic understanding of the need to be sensitive and empathetic when talking about birth families. While some circumstances that lead to adoption are difficult or dangerous, the courageous act of choosing life and making an adoption plan (NOT ‘giving up a baby’!) is one that should be respected and celebrated. After all, it’s what led the adoptive family to grow their family. 99.9% of birth families select the adoptive family themselves and it is part of a well thought out and intentional decision. Always defer to the adoptive parents on what to say, or not say, regarding birth families. An adopted child will pick up on negative associations or feelings of those around them. How their loved ones feel about their birth family will impact how they feel about themselves, and will contribute to a uncertain sense of self or positive identity.
What if they take the baby back? This is a common question adoptive families are asked by friends and family. In each state, there is a specific amount of time, called ‘legal risk’ when the birth parents can change their mind about placing for adoption. The adoptive family will know what the legal risk time period is depending on the type of adoption they are doing. After legal risk has passed, in Virginia it’s 10 days, birth parents can no longer change their mind and decide to parent. Support persons need to be invested in the permanency of adoption and relay that to the family so be careful about questioning things such as this. Trust that they have done their research and know the risk.
#5. Open Adoption is the Norm and that’s a good thing!
Most adoptions now are considered ‘open’ which means that there is some level of contact between the birth family and the adoptive family. Research shows us that the outcomes for the birth family, adoptive family and adopted child are better when openness exists. Check out our video below on the joys of open adoption!
#6. Expect the Family to Set Boundaries and Don’t be Offended
The adoptive family will likely have learned a great deal about ways to promote healthy development and attachment with their adopted child. We recommend to them that they spend a period of time (3 weeks to 3 months) focusing completely on building healthy attachments, sometimes referred to as ‘cocooning'. During this time, and possibly after, the family may limit guests, choose not to have others hold the baby, or decline invitations to social gatherings. they may do this because they are focused completely on acclimating as a family and building healthy and strong attachments. While this can be difficult for loved ones to understand or accept, please know that if the adoptive family has set those boundaries, it is not a reflection on your relationship with them but rather, how invested they are in giving their child the best possible start. Even infants suffer the trauma of a severed attachment- biologically they bond to their birth mother and when that attachment is severed, adoptive parents will be more intentional about promoting healthy attachment with the new caregiver- them!
#7. Adoption is a Lifelong Journey
The adoption triad- birth parent, adoptive family and adoptee are forever connected. Adoption will be interwoven into the identity of each member of the triad forever. It will be more relevant at different stages in each members lives. The family will appreciate your sensitivity as their child grows and reaches various milestones that may prompt questions around their adoption. Curiosity and a desire to learn more about a child’s birth family is very normal and healthy. Adoptive families understand this and want to foster an environment in which their child can always come to them first with questions about their adoption.
Thank you!
We at Catholic Charities, as well as the hopeful adoptive family, greatly appreciate you taking the time to read these quick tips and learn a bit more about how you can best support adoptive families. That you are willing to learn is a beautiful reflection of your love for the adoptive family and your desire to support them. We encourage our families to be open in educating on and talking about adoption, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.