Guidelines for Families Accepting Infant Placements
Congratulations! You’ve been through the home study, the trainings, the waiting and now you have been placed with an infant for the purposes of adoption- what now?!
First of all, it’s totally normal to feel a bit unprepared for the actual infant care. Most new parents feel that way but there is an added layer of pressure when you are caring for “someone else’s” child. Here are some tips to get you through those first few days and weeks.
What Do you Need for Discharge?
You will need to have identified your Pediatrician name and bring their contact info. Baby will need to have an appointment to see this pediatrician within 2 days of discharge.
You will need to bring an infant car seat. If baby under a certain weight the hospital does stress test with baby in the car seat, which takes a couple hours.
You’ll need to have some clothing, diapers, formula and a safe place for baby to sleep. We recommend getting a pack and play with an infant insert, because a pack and play will always come in handy and will get you through the first few days/weeks which will give you time to decide on what else you might want to get for baby to sleep in.
If you haven’t’ already, create an online baby registry. We recommend waiting until after legal risk has passed before you share it with your friends and family.
Getting Through Legal Risk
Legal risk refers to the time period in which a birth parent can revoke their entrustment and regain custody of the baby they had intended to place for adoption. In Virginia, legal risk typically ends when the baby is 10 days old. Legal risk can be longer if there are birth father considerations or legal processes of notification after baby is born, which your worker will make sure you are aware of. It is helpful to think about legal risk as a time that you are caring for a baby while their birth parents decide on the best plan for that baby. If you have other kids or family at home, we recommend this messaging: “We are so excited that we get to take care of and love on this baby while their birth parents decide what they think would be best for him/her!” After legal risk has ended, you can share the good news by saying “Guess what? Baby’s birth parents thought about it and said that what they really want for him/her is for us to be his/her parents and forever family!” This is also how we recommend you think about baby during legal risk- we know it’s difficult but remember not to think of baby as “yours” until legal risk is over.
It is unlikely but it can happen that the birth parent may decide that adoption is not the best choice and that they’d like to revoke their entrustment during legal risk. In this case, rest assured in knowing that you gifted baby with a wonderful foundation for the time that you had him/her with you. As you know, those first few days and weeks are critical for forming attachments and overall development. While there is no denying it would be terribly difficult for you to go through this, remember that you have the emotional capacity and support system to endure this loss while the baby does not and is completely dependent on the adults caring for him/her to navigate stressful experiences, such as changes in caregivers, which is a very stressful experience for a newborn.
Basic Infant Care
You’ve been through adoption training so much you may feel like you missed the part where you actually have to take care of a newborn! Don’t worry, babies aren’t as complicated as you might think or as others might have you believe. They need food, sleep, changing, and connection. The hospital will provide you guidance on how to feed baby and will likely give you extra formula to bring home. They will also show you how to give baby a bath and change baby’s diaper. Since adoption is a stressful experience for an infant to go through, you should give special consideration to maintaining a calm environment for baby as much as possible- limit excess noise and screens while baby acclimates to you and to the home.
Work with your pediatrician on making plans for baby’s medical care. You may want to consider spacing or delaying painful procedures such as vaccine injections or circumcision to minimize early infancy stressful experiences (on top of the adoption). General practice is to administer multiple vaccines to a baby at one time. We recommend talking to your pediatrician about spacing out vaccines to minimize the shock to baby’s system and allow you to monitor how baby responds to each individual medication. During painful procedures, have a nurse hold baby and then be quick to come in and comfort baby afterwards so that baby continues to associate you with comfort and safety.
Don’t forget to check out our blog on finding an adoption competent medical provider.
Attachment Considerations
We recommend that you prioritize promoting attachment with your adopted infant as much as possible. Attachment is the foundation of human development. Children with secure attachment grow up to be happier, physically healthier, more confident, and more successful than children with insecure attachment. If adoption only possible through severing critical attachments, how can we ensure that adopted children have the opportunity to develop secure attachment? These are our recommendations:
Establish the primary parent and have that parent meeting baby’s needs a majority of the time, with the secondary parent filling in as needed. Babies are wired to connect with their mothers- they recognize their mother’s scent, voice, heartbeat, etc. and are born seeking that familiarity. In adoption, we need to focus on building that with the new primary parent which is why they should be meeting baby’s needs a majority of the time at first.
Think of the first 3 months of life as the 4th trimester and try to mimic the womb as much as possible. This means baby wearing rather than putting baby down, lots of skin to skin contact, and keeping baby close to you as much as possible. We recommend having baby sleeping in a safe crib or bassinet next to the primary caregiver so that they don’t need to wake and escalate to crying in order to get their needs met but rather, when they start to stir, the parent can reach over and offer reassurance, often times allowing baby to fall back asleep. Woman are generally more responsive to infants cues, especially when sleeping, so this will typically mean adoptive mom is sleeping next to baby.
Avoid the temptation to pass baby around to a lot of unfamiliar people. We know everyone wants to love on baby but what’s best for an adopted baby is to remain close to their primary caregiver(s) so that you can really focus on establishing that primary attachment.
Use your family leave and try to limit a lot of new sensory experiences during the “fourth trimester”. This may mean ordering groceries, limiting visitors, and hunkering down with your newest family member, sometimes referred to as “cocooning”. Your worker will offer to help set up a meal train and circulate it so that you have some extra help with meals during this critical time.
Avoid ‘sleep training’ completely. There is a lot of information about the pros and cons of sleep training however, for an adopted baby, it should absolutely be avoided. Don’t leave your baby to cry, meet baby’s needs quickly and consistently. This is how trust and attachment is formed. If you find yourself exhausted or struggling to put this into practice- we are here to help! Reach out to your worker and we will get you the support you need to be successful.
Establish feeding rituals. Try to imitate breastfeeding as much as possible- in how you hold baby, making eye contact, and limiting screens/distractions. Feeding time is a great time to bond with baby. We are wired to connect with our infants during these moments- eye contact exchanges between parent and baby stimulate areas of your brain and babies brain that build attachment.
Check out our Blog on Raising Secure Adopted Children
Lean on Faith
The road to adoption is filled with uncertainty and can be challenging to navigate at times. Try to differentiate between what is in your control and give the rest to God. Here is our prayer for you, feel free to pray it and share with others.
A Prayer for a Recent Adoptive Placement
Lord, we ask you to bless and care for these hopeful adoptive parents, this precious infant, and the birth parents. We pray that you will comfort the birth parents as they grieve the loss of their child, please give them hope for their child’s future through adoption and reward their sacrifice. We pray that you will ease the anxiety of the adoptive parents as they navigate the uncertainties that will follow and give them strength to encounter those uncertainties with faith in You and your Divine plan for their family. Jesus, wrap this little one in your arms and hold him/her close to your sacred heart. Pour your love into him/her and all of those who love him/her. Please look over the adoption workers and guide and inspire them as they work to support all parties involved in this adoption. We ask this through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.