Navigating Difficult Adoption Conversations During the Holidays
“You look so much like your Mom that I almost forgot you’re adopted!” exclaimed Aunt Sue in the kitchen while preparing Christmas dinner. “It’s so cool that you’re adopted! Sometimes I wish I was adopted,” said Cousin Michael as he played video games. “I just love that we don’t see color in this family!” gushed grandma as she passed the potatoes. These comments, although well intended, are actually hurtful to an adopted child’s identity, sense of self, and story. As adoptive parents, we need to be prepared to advocate for our children by educating our families and friends and setting boundaries when necessary.
Aunt Sue had no idea that her comment about appearance negates the birth family’s role in the adoptee’s story. An adoptee should never be expected to forget their birth family, and they have every right to feel proud of their birth parents and connection to them. Similarly, Cousin Michael’s statement significantly underplayed the grief and loss that exists in all adoptions. An adoptee should never be made to feel as though he or she should be grateful for their adoption. And grandma, although proud of her ability to not be racist, is failing to acknowledge or honor the adoptee’s identity by claiming to be “blind” to it.
What We Can Do
In the event that a problematic statement is made during a holiday gathering, don’t be afraid or hesitant to address it, in love. Using a kind tone of voice will prepare the way for a respectful conversation and lead to education. Consider saying that your child’s birth parents are respected and not forgotten or that seeing color allows your family to honor all parts of your child’s identity. Don’t be afraid to politely ask, “why do you think that?” or say, “I understand where you are coming from, but a lot of adoptees don’t feel that way because….” You might also choose to invite the individual to an upcoming free adoption training to expand his or her knowledge on adoption. After such a conversation, you will want to check in with your child about how they felt about the concerning comment, how they felt about your response, and how he or she would like the response to look like next time.
Depending on the situation, you may decide to address the comment privately to share why the comment was problematic without putting them on the spot in front of others. If an inappropriate comment cannot be addressed at the event, do not be afraid to excuse your family entirely. You are your child’s advocate and there may be instances where you need to protect your child by removing him or her from the current environment, despite any awkwardness. If an individual continues to be dismissive about the complexities of adoption you will want to distance your family from the individual until the behavior changes.
The best way to avoid this issue during the holidays is to have conversations with your family and friends often. During phone calls, text conversations, social media posts and video calls you can educate your family and friends about healthy adoption language, problematic topics or comments, and how to converse with your adopted child. Encourage them to tell stories about their relatives to your adopted child which will help your child feel more connected and included without feeling pressured to disclose their own personal background. You will also want to ask relatives to share with their children about adoption and positive adoption language (such as placing a child for adoption rather than giving up a child) so that they can interact with your child with respect.
You should also prepare your child for the holiday season. The holidays might mean fun and laughter to many of us, but for adoptees it can be a triggering and complicated time due to the loss they have experienced. Acknowledge with your child that it is okay to feel uncomfortable and/or sad, even around our own family. Allow the child to step away to decompress throughout the day and after family interaction. Create a secret code where he or she can communicate to you privately that they need some time to be alone. Finally, you can practice role playing problematic comments and topics in order to prepare the child for how to respond or how you will respond. If you have an open adoption, the holidays are a good time to also check in with your child’s birth family, plan a get together and/or include your child in sending a gift or card.
Your family members and friends most likely want to learn about how they can support you and your child, so take this opportunity to educate them on how they can positively interact and connect with your child this holiday season!
Written by Jena Williams, MSW Pregnancy & Adoption Support Social Worker
Citation
Center for Adoption Support and Education. Webinar. November 29, 2021.
To continue your education, check out these resources:
· Unwrapping Opportunities for Adoptive Families During the Holidays (NCFA)
· Holidays with Extended Family: An Opportunity for Connection (CASE)
· Transracial and Transcultural Adoption (Child Welfare Information Gateway)