An Open Letter to Hopeful Foster to Adopt Parents
Dear Hopeful Adoptive Parent(s),
Adoption is not for the faint of heart, but is truly a calling. We struggled with infertility, and have never known parenting separate from adoption, so we initially pursued adoption because we simply wanted the opportunity to be parents. By the time we were in the process of adopting for a third time, several friends and even family members were perplexed because we'd told them over the years about how hard parenting adopted children can be at times. One friend even said it was a "crazy" thing to do. In a way we agreed, because it's not "natural" to take in someone else's child and raise them as one's own. It's not easy. But God never promised we'd have easy lives, and God's wisdom can appear as foolishness to those who don't understand His ways.
For those whom God has called to adopt, it is a rich blessing. God adopted us and adopting our children has given us a deep understanding of how loved we are by God. It's okay that some people don't understand why we adopted a third time, because we have a network of friends, and even some family members, who have also adopted. They understand the ups and downs, to include administrative challenges, the mountain of paperwork, and the trainings. It is awesome to have a community of people who have been through similar trainings and understand early infant and/or childhood trauma. If you don't know anyone who has adopted, we would encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open for families at your church, or in your neighborhood. It's worth asking around because this resource is invaluable. As your kids grow up, they will also very much appreciate having at least some friends who were also adopted.
We adopted our girls when they were infants, internationally. Believe it or not, these adoptions went much more smoothly than the most recent adoption of our son, who came from the US foster care system. We were discouraged that the foster care staff in his home state social services didn’t seem to fully understand his needs and we struggled with ongoing tense interactions with the county related to this. We were grateful to have had so much support from Catholic Charities and from a policy expert to whom Catholic Charities referred us. We were able to successfully challenge some of the incorrect information we received. This was so uncomfortable, but it was necessary. As a result of our research and unrelenting advocacy for what our son needed we were successful in obtaining the support our son needed to meet his needs. Now, we feel equipped to be the best parents we can be. It was all worth it. He is so worth it!
We don't mean to dwell on the negative, and hope this will be encouraging rather than discouraging by saying this: When we first thought about adoption, we had many starry-eyed daydreams but the adoption process itself, however, can be quite stressful. You will need your support system if or when you hit obstacles, when reality is not what you hoped it would be. Adoption is a lot like painting a room in your house: It is fun to pick out the color, and the thought of a beautiful end result is definitely motivation to begin such a big undertaking. But the taping is drudgery, and the painting is backbreaking, hard labor. Often, you need two (or even three) coats. There are drips; the corners seem impossible to get right. The project takes much longer and is not as fun as you envisioned. However, here is the good news again: The end result is totally worth it! God will always give us perseverance to guide us through situations to which he has called us.
If you are hoping to adopt an older child, the process is similar, but add the removal of stubborn wallpaper. -AFTER you paint! We realize that this concept doesn't make sense, but it is the best way we can describe the uncovering of hurts once your child is living in your home. Older children come with history: broken attachments, other traumas, and challenging behaviors. Some wallpaper peels off easily; some is more stubborn. This issue of timing is also important: What habits and behaviors do our adopted children need in order to feel safe and loved? Our oldest daughter drank rice milk infused with sugar for the first few months, because this is what she was used to in Asia. We adopted our second daughter from a loud orphanage in Africa. We kept the radio on all the time in the house for her, which her nervous system needed in order to relax. Our son slept in a papasan for the first few months, calling it his "nest", because his bed seemed too big and lonely; he'd never had his own room before. These habits changed over time, but we didn't rush them. Our son still surprises us every day, even though he's been with us for over eight months.
We could write much more but will end here: Find your support peeps; do your research and ask all of your questions. Proceed with caution, but hope for the best, as all parents do. Don't make any decisions that go against your conscience. It would be ideal if we could always "trust in the process" and people, but we need to be careful of what and whom we trust. The Lord is the only One who will never let us down. When we step out in faith with prayer for God's will to be done, instead of what we think His plan for our lives should be, God always answers with His best for us and our families. .
Signed, Rick and Margaret