Raising Secure Adopted Children: Attachment as the Foundation
Did you know that the key to raising happy, healthy and secure children is attachment? That children with secure attachment grow to be happier, healthier, more confident, and more successful than children with insecure attachments? Approximately 50% of the population is what is considered “securely attached”. So, what does this mean for us as we navigate the world and help our children learn to navigate the world. If adoption is trauma and only possible through severing critical attachments, how can we ensure that adopted children have the opportunity to develop secure attachment? The Pregnancy & Adoption Support team took a deep dive into this topic this month and presented the information this month to our adoptive families. This blog post is a summary of those findings and recommendations.
Attachment and the Brain
What is attachment and why does it matter? Attachment is defined as “the emotional bond that forms between child and caregiver; it occurs when interactions between the child and caregiver are safe, consistent and reciprocal.” Brain development can determine how emotional centers of the brain communicate to determine our personality, our choices and how we approach the world. Attachment plays a crucial role in shaping brain structure, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, amygdala and hippocampus which impact a child’s ability to regulation emotion and cognitive functioning, memory and learning. Children with trauma histories have a range of problems related to lack of secure attachment such as developmental delays, difficulty regulating emotions and de-escalating, difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, aggression, low self esteem and depression. Remember that biological and developmental age is different for every child. Consider that for every placement the child has had in their life, they lose one developemntal year. So, a sixteen-year-old who had lived with 2 different family members and then four foster placements before being adopted will developmentally be about 10 years old (but with the vocabulary of a 16 year old). This means, you should focus connecting with this child as you would a ten-year-old. In order to promote attachment, we need to understand what it is and why it’s important.
Promoting Attachment: Presence
Build Attachment Through Play
Make time for intentional play- 10 minutes a WEEK could make ALL the difference!
Go outside and explore the world together- note the sounds, smells, sights.
Allow your child to lead play and exploration.
Help your child problem solve and make mistakes.
Eliminate screens, stimuli and distractions.
Give lots of choices.
Learn filial play therapy.
Parents can promote attachment through being present with their child and being emotionally available to them. This means, putting away the distractions (such as screens) and setting aside time for intentional connection. If a child is dysregulated, consider sitting quietly with them and waiting for them to seek connection. Stephanie recalls working with a child who was having a tantrum, she knows from past experience that the child does not like to be touched, which we know can be common for children with attachment issues. Instead, she sits quietly a few feet away, facing the child with her body but not making eye contact, quietly signaling that she is there to support the child through that difficult moment and is available when the child is ready. Play is also an excellent way to create a space to connect with your child. Go at the child’s place, allow them to bring you into how they explore and interact with the world. We recommend, and connect you with, resources on filial play therapy techniques which helps the parent implement play therapy techniques to promote healing and attachment in the home.
Promoting Attachment: Physical Touch
It’s important for parents to be aware of their child’s trauma history and their comfort with physical touch. For some children, touch can be very triggering, even painful. Parents should work with a therapist or professional to develop a plan to integrate more nurturing touch with their child. For children who do not have difficulty with physical touch, it is an excellent way to connect with your child and build connection. Consider playful techniques such as “planting a garden”, “making a sandwich” or “writing a message” on your child’s back and let them do the same to you.
Promoting Attachment: Environment
It’s important to be intentional and create the space and atmosphere that will support nurturing your new child and promoting attachment.
Use your family leave! Make sure you have made appropriate plans for the use of it and use all that is available to you. Make a plan for cocooning, which means setting aside a specific amount of time after placement to focus on building attachment, which is the #1 goal. Avoid the temptation to prioritize other things over attachment during this time such as social interactions, relationships with extended family, educational needs/goals, discipline, etc. Use the time after placement to try to build a foundation for attachment and then begin to integrate other things as the child adjusts to you as the primary attachment figure.
The first three years of life are critical. If you are able to, or if you need to begin to make changes so that you are able to, consider having a parent stay at home with the adopted child for the first three years of life. The best case scenario is that a child is at home with the child full time for the first three years. If that isn’t possible- are you able to delay returning to work for longer than 3 months? Are you able to return part time? If that is not possible, are you able to identify a consistent care giver such as a nanny, a nanny share or a family member who can also be an attachment figure to the child? Avoid full time daycare for adopted children under the age of three if possible.
Meet your child’s needs quickly and consistently. This is how attachment forms and trust develop.
Learn about the types of attachment, here is a great video to help you understand the types of attachment and how they impact development The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life
Never stop learning! There are so many great resources out there- talk to friends and family, listen to podcasts, read books, do the research. Here are a few resources we have found helpful on this topic: