How to Support Those Adopting from Foster Care
If you know someone who is starting the process of adopting from foster care, here is what you need to know to best support them as they begin their journey.
Children from Hard Places
Children enter foster care due to abuse and neglect. The adults in their life charged with caring for them did not, or could not do that. So, these kiddos will be unlikely to trust that adults will care for them. This difficulty in building trust and relationships can be healed with activities aimed at promoting attachment with their adoptive parents, with consistency, time and love.
It is important for you to understand that the parenting methods that you or others use, likely won’t work for a child adopted from foster care. Children who have been abused, neglected, had multiple care takers, and who have been in the foster care system have experienced trauma. Trauma impacts the way a child’s brain and body function. As an outsider, it can be difficult to understand why a child may act out, struggle to manage emotions or have developmental challenges. Adoptive parents will have a good understanding of how trauma has impacted their adopted child. They have been educated on ways to interact with and parent their child to promote their healing.
Children who have experienced abuse and neglect may be sensitive to touch or affection. It is always appropriate to ask if it’s OK before giving a hug or touching a child. You can also give choices such as “side hug or high five?”.
Ultimately, they need safe, consistent, nurturing care from a safe, consistent, nurturing caregiver in order to heal. These caregivers, the adoptive family, needs YOU (aka their support system) to lift them up as they take on this critical role. As adoption professionals, we are eternally grateful to the family and friends who wrap adoptive families with encouragement, love, care and support during this journey. It truly makes such a difference.
It Takes a Village
There are many things that you can do to support the adoptive family prior to and after placement. Those first few days and weeks following placement can be hectic and exhausting.
Check out Virginia’s Project Belong to learn more about creating a supportive space for foster/adoptive families in your church community
Share relevant foster care/adoption with others. We highly recommend this YouTube video, ReMoved, which tells the story of a child coming into the foster care system- it’s difficult to not feel overwhelming empathy for a child’s experience in foster care after watching that!
Once the family is matched, encourage them to set up a registry and share it with friends and family
Create a Meal Train to share with community members to help bring meals over to the family for the first few weeks following placement. We like using TakeThemAMeal to set up meal trains.
Pray for them, for the children whom they will adopt, the children’s birth family, and for the child/family workers
Be present for the family and let them know you are there to support them. Keep an eye out to make sure that they are taking care of themselves and making opportunities for self care. Encourage them to reach out for help if they are showing signs of being overwhelmed. If they are working with Catholic Charities Diocese of Arlington, we remain a lifelong resource for all of our adoptive families- remind them that they can always reach out to us at any time in their adoption journey if they need guidance or support.
Preparing other Children
Help other children understand, in a developmentally appropriate way, that this child is being welcomed into the adoptive family because their birth parents were not able to take care of them. Provide them with some empathetic responses such as “I’m glad you are here now” or “that must have been hard” in case the adopted child shares some information about their past. The adoptive parents will be aware of their child’s history and behaviors and will be providing supervision in all situations that are necessary. How you, and others, respond to an adopted child’s behaviors have a huge impact on their healing process. Often times, we explain to children that “some children are not in homes where they learn things like how to share or speak kindly so we can help them learn those things” if your child observes a negative behavior. These conversations with other children should happen in private and not in front of the adopted child. If you ever have questions or concerns about an adopted child’s behavior, please speak to the parents privately.
Boundaries Matter
The adoptive family will likely have learned a great deal about ways to promote healthy development and attachment with their adopted child. We recommend to them that they spend a period of time, to include taking parental leave, focusing completely on building healthy attachments. In adoption, this is often referred to as ‘cocooning’. During this time, and possibly after as well, the adoptive family may limit guests or decline invitations to social gatherings. They may do this because they are focused completely on acclimating as a family and building healthy and strong attachments. While this can be difficult for loved ones to understand or accept, please know that if the adoptive family has set these boundaries, it is not a reflection on how they feel about or appreciate you but rather, how invested they are in giving their child the best possible start in their family.
Respect for Birth Family
It is important for family and friends of the adoptive family have a basic understanding of the need to be sensitive and empathetic when talking about birth families. Most children removed from their family for abuse and neglect still have positive feelings about their family and a natural desire to be with them. Always defer to the adoptive parents on what to say, or not say, regarding birth families. When the adoptive family is open and shows respect towards the birth family, the child develops a more solid sense of security and self-worth, thus eliminating feelings of needing to choose one family over the other. The adoptive family will view the birth family with empathy, which helps them to understand how the circumstances of the birth family led to CPS involvement and placement in foster care.
Thank you!!!
We, as well as the adoptive family, greatly appreciate you taking the time to read these quick tips and learn a bit more about how you can best support adoptive families. That you are willing to learn is a beautiful reflection of your love for the adoptive family and your desire to support them. We encourage our families to be open in educating on and talking about adoption, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.
To learn more about our Waiting Child Program or to find out how to get started, send us an email.
Click here to learn more about how trauma impacts a child’s development and how parents and caregivers can promote healing through the use of Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Video Length: 3 mins
Recommended Resources:
Parenting a Child Who has Experienced Trauma, Childwelfare.gov
The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine
Watch online videos on Trust Based Relational Interventions (TBRI) a widely accepted resource for parenting children from hard places