This time of year can be especially difficult for men and woman who have placed a child for adoption. Birth parents: at a time you may feel invisible, surrounded by happy families and well-wishing, we see you. We remember and honor you. We know that holidays can bring reminders of your child, your adoption and your decision to place. These feelings can creep up on you slowly or can hit you like a semi-truck. Everyone is different, every adoption is unique, and grief looks different on each person. The best thing you can do is be aware for triggers, acknowledge your grief and remind yourself that it’s OK to not feel OK.
Birth parent loss is unique because you aren’t grieving the loss of a loved one, your birth child is alive and well. You grieve the loss of parenting your child. This can become ‘ambiguous loss’ which occurs when you do not have closure or understanding surrounding your child’s adoption. Ambiguous loss can significantly delay the grief process and can contribute to difficulties that impact other areas of your life. You may try to mask your grief by convincing everyone that you are fine, you may try to escape it with alcohol or drugs, or you may try to bury it until it comes out in other ways. So often, birth parents don’t realize that they carry unresolved grief because they hadn’t allowed themselves to heal and move forward. Even in the best adoptions, with the most positive relationships, grief and loss exist. Acknowledge and confront your grief so you can move past it.
During the holidays, you’ll likely find yourself seeing friends and family that you don’t see very often. They may or may not know of your adoption or they (most often) do not know how to be sensitive to what you are going through. It’s OK to avoid social events that may put you in situations that make you uncomfortable. Know your limits and set boundaries. Surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive and with whom you feel safe to be yourself; share your heart with them and lean on them for support.
You can find ways to honor your child by lighting a candle, getting a Christmas gift, making a Christmas ornament or writing a journal entry or letter. It’s up to you if you decide to share these things with your birth child and their adoptive family, the healing comes in acknowledging and honoring your child through thoughtful action.
When birth parents have access to post placement counseling, care, and support, they are able to navigate life after placement in much healthier ways. Without post placement care, making sense of your situation and feelings surrounding it can be difficult. Wherever you are in your journey, find peace in knowing that you did what you believed to be right based on your circumstances at that time in your life. You can’t change the past- but you can try to understand it.
