Connecting with Kids During Covid-19: 3 simple strategies

When the Governor of Virginia announced that schools would be closed for a few weeks, I thought to myself, “great, I’ve been wanting to spend more time with the kids, and this will be a good chance to do so!” Two days later, I was on a ZOOM video call in my bedroom. I had been invited to train a group of professionals on effective ways to communicate their COVID-19 responses to stakeholders. Two minutes into my presentation- my three-year-old sneaks into my room and starts jumping up and down on the bed behind me…in her underwear. Cute. I know everyone on the call was understanding (this time) but I’d imagine it will get old after a few weeks. Following the presentation, which I powered through amidst the adorable distraction in the background, I tried to picture what this would look like over the next few months. Quarantines, home schooling, and two working parents now doing everything remotely and the pandemic parenting panic started to creep up. Then, VA schools announced they’d be closed for the remainder of the year…

Since I started working full time several years ago, I find myself constantly conflicted when I’m not home to help with homework or kiss a boo boo but for the foreseeable future, I will be. I can’t help but wonder though how can I really be here with them and here for them given our new normal?

As a child welfare professional, I know that the best thing parents can do for their children is to connect with them. As a mom, I know how hard it is to put into practice. In the end, if we prioritize relationship over the chaos and noise our children will thrive. They will be better equipped to cope with stress, build healthy relationships in adulthood, problem solve, and develop better emotionally, cognitively, and socially. I’m sure all parents agree with this but when it comes down to it- how do we put it into practice? Here are some quick and easy tips that you can use right now to ease the stress at home and connect with your kiddos!

#1: Playful Touch: Plant a Garden on Your Child (Let me explain….)

Physical touch is the most basic form of connection and is the foundation for relationships. Our children crave our touch and it is quite simply the best way to connect quickly. My children love to “plant a garden” on the back or on the inside of the forearm. In this instance we will, ‘pat’ the dirt, ‘dig’ the holes, ‘plant’ the seeds, ‘water’ the ground, trace the lines of the sprouts as they grow, ‘sun’ the plants and have the flowers grow. Nurturing and playful touch from a trusted caregiver promote healthy brain development and social development. Additionally, this has become a common calming skill in our household. If a child starts to fall apart, they need to regulate and sometimes they need help. My kids have sought out ‘planting a garden’ when feeling stressed or anxious because they see it as a way to connect and be comforted.

#2: Coping with Changes and Healing Hurts

If they know or express it or not, our children have experienced loss. The loss of their routine, friends at school, their parent’s sanity (just kidding….), and other community connections like sports, church, and activities. By providing them regular opportunities and a safe place to process their feelings, we can promote self-awareness and coping which helps to avoid pent up confusion and frustration which leads to outbursts or bad behaviors. Here are some things we do at home:

Color A Picture of your Heart.png — My 7 year old twins got into a fight and they each took some time to cool down and draw their hearts (above) then they spoke to me privately about what they drew and also decided (without my suggestion!) to talk to one another about their hearts.

· Color your heart: draw a heart on a piece of paper or have your child draw it in their journal then ask them to draw their heart at that moment. Once finished, ask them:

o Why did you choose that color?

o I see that you colored very (hard lines, crazy lines, soft lines)- what is your heart saying with that?

o Explain the pictures you drew in your heart

o Other non-judgmental but observational statements that elicit a clarification or response

· Healing Hurts: This is so powerful for all kids but especially those who are very sensitive. Check in with your child and ask if he or she has any “hurts”. These can be physical or emotional. Heal the child’s hurt by placing a Band-Aid on the area, applying massage to the area (lavender lotion adds to the relaxation!) or just pressing on the area the child pointed to. In doing this, you are demonstrating empathy, validating their feelings of hurts (be it physical or emotional) and building their sense of security and trust in you as you heal the hurt.

o Tip: Help siblings learn ways to heal hurts for one another. In our home, we end apologies with “is there anything I can do to help you feel better” at which time the hurt sibling might suggest they need a hug, to borrow a toy, or help with one of their chores.

#3: Schedule Play Breaks

Do not underestimate the value of play; play is how children process, communicate and make sense of the world. Find opportunities to play with them. If you can set aside 10-15 minutes every hour for younger kids, you can distract them while you work and then be truly and intentionally present in your play with them for that play time. This should become easier to start and stop as they get used to the routine and trust that you will take that play break as promised. Be sure to set expectations: “Ok, honey, I have 15 minutes right now to play! You be in charge- what should we play? Where should we play?” Let your child choose and follow his or her lead. Investing this special time with our children can make a world of a difference for both you and your child.

Ultimately, we are all uncertain about what is going on in the world around us but for many families, this time of #pandemicparenting can actually be an amazing opportunity to get back to the basics, to promote healthy development and positive relationships and to re-focus on what’s most important in our lives.